December 15, 2016 • 22

A Virgin’s Perspective On God And Sexuality

AVirginsPerspectiveOnGodAndSexuality

Part 2: Virginity And The True Meaning Of Purity

One of the most interesting things people discover about me is that I’m still a virgin. The responses range from admiration to shock, and some responses are hilarious! Depending on the kind of people I’m around, the conversation can get very interesting and center around sex pretty quickly. I’ve even found myself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice sometimes from those already having it.

Any virgin will tell you that they hear the “test drive” comment from others often. “You gotta test drive the car before you buy it,” is the wisdom of the day that settles the discussion for some. Then their concern turns towards the issue of sexual compatibility, hoping I don’t mess up and marry the wrong person, and be stuck with bad sex.

I’ve always found those reasons to be funny, since God created sex and desires for you to have a beautiful and fulfilling sex life in marriage. Yes, God really wants you to experience a fully satisfying and pleasure-filled sex life. It also should be apparent that God knows about the “cars” we drive, and since He’s all-knowing, we all can trust His commandments about it. My trust grows in knowing that none of His commandments are meant to be a burden.

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However, I understand why many think this way when they don’t know how God brings people together, or trusts that He will. Also, they don’t hear open discussions about sexuality from the church too often. It’s unfortunate that the church doesn’t highlight the many things God has said about sex in the Bible too often, instead of “wait till marriage.” A full biblical perspective on sexuality is hardly spoken of.

To make this point hit home, I’m confident that most of you reading this have never heard a sermon on the Song of Solomon and the sexual language in that book. So we end up taking the commandment against fornication, the encouragement and wisdom regarding temptation, and commandments of marriage as all that God has to say about sex, instead of having a godly understanding of sex as a whole. We then hear everything else about sex and how good it is in media, entertainment, and society as a whole.

The lack of understanding in a culture saturated with sexual content leaves us vulnerable to its negative influence. We can be desensitized, and walk around unaware of what makes our commitment to sexual purity even harder.

Whether or not you’re still a virgin, as believers, we are all open to the influence of sexual content. Combined with a low view of biblical sexuality, it truly affects us in many ways, especially the way we think about sexuality and virginity.

Notice the kind of responses I hear when telling people I’m a virgin. It’s all focused on sex. Whether or not I learn how to do it right, or do it with the right person, and it doesn’t respect the covenant of marriage and the beauty of sexuality that God designed from the beginning. This focus on sex isn’t merely from a world not subject to the will of God, but from the hyper-sexualized culture we are raised in. So the world has their standards and views, and the church struggles to communicate God’s thoughts about it completely, and we have many believers struggling with their sexuality.

Be encouraged that God knows about the sexual urges that we have. They were given by God intentionally, but because we are inclined to lust, we have the struggle against selfish gratification. Take the time to read the Song of Solomon, take in the godly wisdom present within this book, especially the wisdom on how to pursue someone lovingly.

Read the parts discussing sexual activity, renew your mind on what it means to be intimate so that when you are married, you can desire the satisfaction of your wife more than your personal gratification. Don’t think of marriage as guilt-free sex, because marriage will break you and show you who you really are, and sex alone cannot hold a marriage together.

Be intentional about the media you consume, it influences how we as men and women see each other. You simply can’t watch a lot of TV with sexual scenes and listen to music with sexual themes, and then be surprised at how intense the struggle is. We struggle with our own flesh that wants gratification, yet we make it so much harder when we don’t filter what we are entertained by.

Finally, always remember that God’s commandments aren’t meant to be a burden you force your way through, but they declare God’s will that leads you to freedom, and true love. There’s more to God than “thou shalt not”, and that includes matters of sexuality.

Categories: reflection, Relationships, Sexuality

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22 replies »

  1. Whenever someone brings up the “test drive” comment, first thing I’ve always said is there’s a difference between a Toyota and a Rolls-Royce. They don’t let you test drive a Rolls-Royce. The value is already understood. More recently, I started also responding that you don’t need to test drive when you trust the Manufacturer. One or both usually helps shut that down real quick. 😉

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  3. “There’s more to God than ‘thou shalt not,’ and that includes matters of sexuality.” Absolutely! God isn’t some stiff, unimaginative prude, after all. 😀

    I’ve said before (in a blog post about romance in Christian Fiction) that although many Christians are aware, mentally, that sex and sexual feelings aren’t bad, there’s still a sentiment that floats around saying otherwise—an unspoken notion that sex is “the one dirty thing” that God lets married Christian folks do, and I think that’s a skewed view. So, yes, a book like Song of Solomon serves as a good reminder that sex in itself isn’t bad. It isn’t dirty. It isn’t perverse. A pure mind is capable of viewing sex in a pure way, as “Unto the pure all things are pure…” (Titus 1:15, I believe.)

    Now, concerning “biblical sexuality,” I do think there’s a certain tension in light of the fact that much of the biblical text on sex was written regarding a time and culture when/where women—including their bodies, naturally—were essentially the property of men. Not that I’m looking to go into that here (I’m sure this comment is getting quite long enough already!), but knowing “there’s more to God than ‘thou shalt not'” helps one to get a grasp on healthy, Godly principles.

    Oftentimes, I do think virgins, particularly Christian ones, get a bad rap, like we all must be sexually repressed and frustrated, hungrily “holding out” for spouses and married sex because we’re trying so, so hard not to sin. 😀 Hey, I can’t speak for all Christians everywhere, but I think in the same way that people sometimes boil marriage down to “guilt-free sex,” they boil sexuality down to the act of sex, when actually, the act of sex is only *a part* of sexuality. Even a virgin can be fully aware of and confident in his/her sexuality, and I think that’s important for everyone, whether they are/will be married or they aren’t/won’t be.

    Anywho, great post! I’ll keep my eyes open for Part Two.

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    • Great thoughts as always Nadine! Yeah, the Bible was definitely written in the cultural time where women weren’t seen as equals, which makes it even more amazing how truthful it addresses men and women as they’re meant to be addressed. Part 2 coming soon!

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  4. Lamar, I utterly respect your wisdom here and it makes me have an even deeper appreciation for your #ThoughtsOfRedemption even more! Not because you have chosen to hold on to your virginity but because you truly are walking out your Faith and Trust in God. I praise God for you, and pray you continue to find strength in Him to keep pursuing His purpose for you, irrespective of what the world offers or dictates… oh and anyone who tells you that you should test drive before you buy so you can ensure you don’t end up in a marriage with bad sex is an utter fool! Literally millions of people in marriage are having terrible sex and issues with intimacy who did not enter into marriage as virgins. Stick to God’s plan! I pray He help you find a Wife with as much self control and dedication in pursuing His way above her own, so that together you will both find the love and intimacy, satisfaction and joy God intends for sex and marriage!

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  6. “It’s unfortunate that the church doesn’t highlight the many things God has said about sex in the Bible too often, instead of “wait till marriage.” A full biblical perspective on sexuality is hardly spoken of.” Lamar, that is so true. The world is falling apart and every abomination known to man is celebrated, while the church hunkers down in pious silence, afraid of making someone uncomfortable or accused of being right wing Bible-thumping fanatics. It may be because so few people in church today have the moral authority to speak on the subject. How many married couples have only been married one time? How many husbands and wives waited on marriage themselves before having sex? How many of them have been totally faithful to each other? I would venture not too many. But like you said, God has given us a full biblical perspective on sex that is light years away from where the church is today. As Christians, we are not supposed to remain in the dark, but shed light even in the darkest places. In many cases, we have to rise above the level of the church itself. I hope you continue sharing this perspective on your blog and erase the stereotypes associated with virginity. Being one myself at fifty five, I relate to your post and encourage you to be strong and know that God is on your side.

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  7. I believe the author has the best intentions. I’m reading what u wrote & I’ll share that I used to believe all of this….until I got married.

    Have u read about virgins who find themselves crying in shame once they get back from their honeymoon because now they’ve lost their identity of bring a virgin that everyone praised them for? Now their innocence is gone & everyone knows they’ve had SEX. Now they r no longer special but like everyone else. There’s plenty of those stories online.

    When I met my husband I believed he was a good man because he didn’t pressure me to have sex. I thought this meant he was morally superior to regular guys.

    To my surprise, after marriage I learned about people with a low libido or asexual folks. Turns out there are plenty of these stories online as well. People who saved themselves til marriage – turns out they were able to because they had a lower sex drive. Many of these people aren’t able to shake the negative views of sex after marriage leading to a deadbedroom.

    I didn’t find any if this out until I had said til death do us part & I felt robbed. That I was lied to. That if u wait, u & your spouse will magically have great sex & all will b fine. Well, for some lucky people that happens. For many many others – there are numerous issues that can arise. I just encourage virgins to read other people’s stories so they aren’t blindsided.

    One such gut wrenching place full of people’s misery in the bedroom is reddit.com/r/deadbedrooms
    Lastly, I’ll mention that I’m a woman. I wish I knew that it’s ok for a woman to have a sex drive. That you’re not a slut because you have urges. I wish I knew that not all men r horndogs. Then, maybe my self esteem wouldn’t have been shot with a husband who doesn’t desire sex.

    I wish I knew that up to 70% of women cannot orgasm through PIV (penis in vagina sex) because their clitoris doesn’t get any stimulation. These women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm (hand, mouth, vibrator, etc) and that’s ok because most women r built that way. When I first had sex I thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel pleasure with just a penis inside.

    Lastly, many men only need 5 mins to get horny & ready for sex. Whereas, many women need 20 mins or more to relax, get fully aroused & wet enough.

    Lack of knowledge means that many husbands take it personally when the woman isn’t wet immediately the same way he’s hard immediately. And, wives may find they r fully aroused AFTER sex is over. Over time they will grow tired of just doing things that satisfy the husband & NEITHER will understand why she stops wanting sex after a few years of marriage. And then another deadbedroom is created & people suffer in silence because it’s so taboo to talk about anything. Also, if they speak up the secret will b out that waiting til marriage doesn’t magically bless you with a happily ever after. There is so much to learn & u have to b with an empathetic person who cares enough to compromise to meet each others needs.

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    • Hey Leigh, thanks for your thoughts, many issues you brought up are actually the inspiration behind this two part series. So thank you for confirming how important this was for me to publish. Hope this helps.

      I’m not sure if you found your identity in being a virgin, but it’s unfortunate that this is a reality in those who have done so. My identity is in Christ, not in my virginity. I’m a virgin not because it makes me special, but because my life is defined by Christ. It’s very important and makes me stand out, but I don’t find my identity in virginity.

      Also, you don’t lose innocence once you have sex. Sex is not dirty, sex is holy actually. It was made by God for the purpose of a husband and wife being pleased with one another, made one, and reproducing children who bear the image of God and reflect their parents.

      You brought up the lie that some believe if you wait for marriage, sex will magically be glorious. Thank you for highlighting this, the Church unfortunately does have a connotation culturally that this is the case. The perception, whether unknowingly or not, is that you will know what to do once you get there.

      HOWEVER, I will quickly counter that it depends on the environment of teaching you’re in, because I NEVER had those illusions. If you have sex before marriage, you gotta learn the same way a virgin does when they wait until marriage. I had a discussion with a man who has sex heavily and isn’t married and we freely discussed this reality, he said he didn’t know what he was doing the first time. By the way, the opposite of your comment is commonly the case, in that even if you have sex before marriage, it does not mean you will have great sex when you marry. It doesn’t mean you understand how a woman works or how to even be intimate, in fact the porn epidemic amongst men and the lust for sex adversely affects intimacy. It affects it, because it affects how men view women they become intimate with. So they have sex because their desires need to be satiated, instead of desiring to give to their woman so that she experiences pleasure before he does.

      This will be a future blog post of mine really soon, because there are alot of misconceptions that you personally bought into and some that was taught to you, which is very unfortunate.

      I encourage you to subscribe to the blog (ThoughtsOfRedemption.com/Subscribe) because I will address the multiple points you’ve made, and I really want to take care in addressing them Leigh.

      Lastly, I’m sorry for your experiences that you’ve had, and I’m praying for your marriage and your husband. God wants you and your husband to be sexually satisfied. I’m not married and therefore speak with humility from my lack of experience, but in multiple places of Scripture, it mentions this explicitly.

      God bless you Leigh, I hope you subscribe, my next post will address this very necessary topic.

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  8. I can identify with Leigh a bit. I grew up in purity culture and we were taught that our identity was found in our virginity. I waited and ended up having panic attacks and ptsd for months after the wedding. It is important to talk about our worth being in Christ and not our virginity.

    I hated the “test drive” comments people gave me before I got married and the “SO, what did you think?” texts I got afterwards. They are so inappropriate!

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    • Man, I definitely don’t want those texts afterward either, that’s between me and my wife smh lol!

      I love that you mentioned talking about our worth in Christ, the second part of the post speaks to that greatly. You’re so right, there’s a purity culture that puts too much emphasis on virginity as an identity instead of a season, so much that marriage is the end goal of virginity instead of the glory of Christ.

      Sorry for the mental, physical, and emotional effects this had on you, abstinence is not meant to be a burden and it’s unfortunate that it was :(. How are things now? Hope they’re much better!

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      • They were awful!! My husband was pretty upset by them too. I also got q few, “Are you pregnant?” texts which were equally upsetting. People are nuts.

        🙂 Yeah I am glad you are talking about this. I am doing well now. It has taken three years and lots if praying, researching and tears, but I’ve gotten to the point I’m thankful for how things worked out. It probably would’ve been sooner but we had a miracle baby (I was supposed to be infertile) three months into marriage and that set me back mentally recovering due to the exams they did on me. Now I actually have a book written called the Scarlet Virgins for myself and others recovering from purity culture, whether they are virgins are not. It has been very therapeutic and really helped me nail down why and how things happened. The main thing for me is that, when you have a distorted view of virginity and purity (I was taught even being physically attracted to someone was a sin and just as bad as having sex) to the point of it being an idol, it can also distort who God is in the minds of others. I have seen people leave the faith and try to end their lives from the guilt, shame and confusion surrounding how we grew up. I’m thankful to be able to talk about it and hopefully help them someday through the book and writing it has aided my own recovery. 🙂

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      • Wow, powerful testimony! I’d be interested in reading that book, this is very important. Praise God for the miracle He has done through the birth of your child!

        Grateful that you’re doing well now, especially after hearing what you’ve heard regarding purity. It’s a shame that physical attraction was painted as a sin, incredibly unfortunate. I pray the book is a blessing to those who read it as well!

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